


Five Midgardian Things Loki had No Idea About - and One Thing that He did

by saiansha



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alien Culture, Cards Against Humanity, Crack, Culture Shock, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2019-10-06 07:50:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17341472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saiansha/pseuds/saiansha
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin.Read this onTumblr.





	1. Cards Against Humanity

“Who is Hannah Montana?”

There it was.

The one question that I never thought I would hear from Loki, the God of Mischief and Lies.

Trying desperately to not burst into giggles, I read aloud the card. “’In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with _blank_ for the first time.’ Well, Loki, she is a fictional teenager singer who is the idol of teenage and pre-teen girls around the globe.”

He nodded contemplatively.

“What are your white cards? Let me see.” 

I crawled over the short distance to him. Three of the cards that caught my eye were ‘Just learning about the Armenian Genocide,’ ‘Coat hanger abortions’ and ‘Meat loaf, the man.’

“What are you thinking of going with?”

“’Multiple stab wounds,’” he said.

I resisted smiling. “I see.”

“What is the matter? Multiple stab wounds are painful. It is certainly ‘against humanity,’” he growled.

For someone who claimed to detest humans, Loki was having a surprisingly hard time playing a game that would offend every decent person’s sensibility. He had been sulking and I had been bored, so what could have been better than giving the evil alien an opportunity to safely express his villainy?

“’Cards Against Humanity is a party game for horrible people,’” I had read.

He had snorted.

“’Unlike most of the party games you’ve played before, Cards Against Humanity is as despicable and awkward as you and your friends.’ Basically, just play like humanity deserves to be treated like scum. Shouldn’t be too difficult for you, right?”

“I assure you,” he had said snootily, “watching mortals squirm and be upset is my favourite pastime. I will win this game.”

I had asked JARVIS to be the Card Czar, since he was completely objective and that way, I could help Loki with pop-culture references and modern slang along the way.

Loki’s eyes had leapt out from his sockets when we’d drawn the first black card: ‘When having sex, I like to talk about’ and we’d reviewed his choices, among which were: ‘Hunting white people for sport,’ ‘Nubile slave boys’ and ‘Incest.’

I had been disappointed when he’d gone for ‘Hunting white people for sport.’

“Why not?” he had demanded. “It is particularly fear-invoking if the person whom I’ve coupled with is white in complexion.”

“Yeah, but incest!”

“You Midgardians are disgusting heathens! Why is your entire race and culture occupied with sexual relations and taboos every waking moment?” 

“Are you getting offended, Loki?”

He huffed. “It is bothersome to see your planet be so preoccupied with nothing but rutting and copulating and making crass remarks about other ways of finding pleasure.”

“Other ways? What other ways?”

He stiffened and cleared his throat. “What imbecilic response would you select?”

I decided to cut him some slack. “Well, from my pile of cards, I’d go with ‘A face full of horse cum.’ JARVIS, what’s your verdict?”

The AI took a moment before answering. “I would say that your card wins, ma’am. I would imagine that talking about having horse ejaculation on your face post-coitus would not be pleasurable for any person of any demographic profile.”

He made a face and an annoyed noise, which caused me to finally start giggling uncontrollably.

“What now?” he asked, irritated.

“Ah, well, I can’t blame you for not understanding what it’s like to have a face with horse cum,” I said sweetly. “It wasn’t your face where you took the horse cum, was it?”

His eyes widened and he snarled as he understood my jibe. “Yes, how applaudable, making the same old reference every single time.”

Presently, he insisted on selecting ‘Multiple stab wounds’ while I selected ‘pedophile’ from my bunch.

“JARVIS, hit it.”

“Once again, ma’am, you score an Awesome Point.”

“This AI is rigged!” Loki raged. “It is Tony Stark’s minion and will always be biased against me.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Chill. Hannah Montana is a teenager. Which makes her below the age of consent. Which makes her a _child_. Which makes the ‘struggling with pedophiles’ part subjectively funny and objectively way funnier than ‘struggling with multiple stab wounds.’” 

“Why would you even joke about that?” he asked, aghast. “Norns, why do you even have monsters who prey on children? What is wrong with your kind? Why are such repulsive beasts not flogged to death in public?”

My face burned at his censure and lack of comprehension at just how deeply our society was… well, fucked up. His tirade had sucked the joy of having scored another point out of me, so I decided to quickly change the card.

“Okay, okay, how about we move to the next round?”

I reached to draw another white card for him, but he slapped my hand away and took it himself. I drew a card for myself instead, hand stinging and cheeks flaming.

“Your turn to read the black card,” I said.

He frowned and his frown only deepened as he pronounced each word. “I told you, it was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over,” he cleared his throat and growled, “my asshole looked like _blank_.”

He turned his attention to his deck, muttering under his breath some more about how crass, uncultured and vile mortals were and how they had no tact, self-respect and imagination. I looked at the card I’d just drawn and read it. And re-read it. And re-read it again. When I’d read it at least five times and made sure that I was not hallucinating, I spasmed. 

Loki noticed my movement and looked up, his gaze reproachful. “Getting tired of this vulgarity? Maybe there is still some hope for you.”

I shook my head, biting my lip hard to keep myself from laughing. Loki put out his card before me, for once, and I copied him, trembling with excitement, terror and above all, the overwhelming urge to dissolve into laughter.

“Dead babies,” he said firmly. “’I told you, it was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like dead babies.’ All races, particularly mortals, value their infants. There can be _nothing_ more offensive than comparing your nether regions to your deceased child.”

I nodded seriously, but the charade broke soon, and I started giggling.

“What does your card say?” he asked.

I cleared my throat and wiped the tears that had already begun forming in my eyes “I told you, it was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like,” I turned my card over and wheezed, “ _Loki, the trickster god._ ”

All I could do was howl with laughter and from the consequent pain in my abdomen as Loki kicked the cards, set them to fire and stormed out of my apartment.


	2. Bubblegum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read this on [Tumblr](https://saiansha.tumblr.com/post/186798429407/five-midgardian-things-loki-had-no-idea-about).
> 
>   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to didyoulikequestion10moony for giving me a nudge to update this story!

“You look like a cow.”

An aristocratic sneer graced Loki’s equally aristocratic features.

“Yeah,” I drawled, not bothering to look up from my phone. I’d got used to being insulted every twenty-three minutes or so. “And you look like a horse fucker, but here we are.”

He rolled his eyes over the top of his book. “But I’m not fucking a horse at the moment –”

“Aha!” I dropped my phone and jumped up. “So you admit, you fucked a horse at _one_ moment!”

“If you would let me finish,” Loki snarled through clenched teeth. “I am not fucking a horse, but you are chewing cud.”

“Chewing cud?”

“Yes, chewing cud, the way cows do. Do you understand?” he said slowly, as if speaking to an imbecile.

I stared at him, genuinely confused, until it dawned on me. When I understood what he was referring to, I was too excited to be angry at being compared to a cow.

“Oh, I see!” I said and stopped chewing the bubblegum currently bouncing around in my mouth. I brought it to the edge of my front teeth and pulled it out and displayed it for Loki’s viewing pleasure. “This, is a chewing gum.”

“Cud.”

“Gum.”

“I said what I said.”

“Wanna try?” I asked.

“No,” he said snootily.

“Go on!” I held my gum out for him, knowing fully just how revolted he was going to be.

I wasn’t disappointed. He couldn’t have looked more disgusted if I’d shat into my hand and presented it to him while telling him I had haemorrhoids. I grinned. Not that he needed to see me grin to know that I was purposely riling him up.

“Put it back into your mouth before I use my seidr to permanently stick that cud on your tongue.”

My grin widened. With exaggerated slowness, I dragged my hand back to my mouth and deposited the gum inside. Then, with the same sadistic lethargy, I opened my mouth wide and began chewing the gum, making Loki watch ever fold, every twist, every stretch of the gum. I wasn’t sure whether it was the heat in Loki’s glare or my own tremendous chewing skills that were making the gum especially malleable.

“Go wash your hands now!” he barked.

All my years and years of practice, I knew now, had been leading up to this very point in time, this momentous moment in history. Deftly, I rolled the gum into a ball, coated it on my tongue, pursed my lips and blew a bubble. It blew and blew and blew right before Loki’s equal parts amazed and horrified eyes, then – 

POP!

It collapsed around my mouth.

At first, Loki was in too much of a shock to say anything. His brain was too burdened with glorious purpose to even fathom the magnificence of what he had just witnessed. He was too busy trying to decipher whether he was the ant or the boot. He was too invested in wondering whether this was a mad scramble for power or identity. But then, he took in my smug expression and his face rearranged itself into a sneer even snootier than the one before.

“Congratulations. You are the first example of a species I have seen that is part cow and part pig in the guise of a hairless ape.”

I pulled the gum back into my mouth and resumed my chewing at normal speed. “You look like a hairless ape too.”

“You have used up an entire week’s worth of my patience. Leave.”

“Oh, come on,” I whined, chewing louder than I needed to and blowing rapid-fire bubbles. “Don’t you want to try it?”

“Definitely not.”

“Thor can’t do it, you know.”

“What _is_ there that Thor can do besides swing his hammer?”

“Okay, that sounded wrong, but whatever. The point is,” I said, leaning in conspiratorially as I went for the coup de grace, “he can’t do it. Ergo, he’ll be jealous of you.”

“Dropping Latin words will not do much to make you sound less of a dimwit while you are chewing cud.”

“Chewing gum. Blowing bubbles.”

“Testing my patience.”

“I thought you’d already lost that.”

“ _Mortal –”_

“Look, if you blow a bubble, you will have done something that Thor has not and he’ll be jealous of you!”

Loki’s compulsion to outdo Thor or be a pain in his neck was his biggest weakness, and I wasn’t surprised when he caved in – not that he was going to admit to it, of course. No, he just stared into the distance and extended his palm out to me. I considered sliding him my own, but I know he’d see what I was up to from the corner of my eye and then I’d be quartered and strung out to dry.

I pulled out a pack from my jeans and slid him a new one. He took it gingerly, handling it as if it would melt any second, and carefully unwrapped the covering.

“Well, put it in your mouth,” I said.

With uncharacteristic hesitance, he did. Then, his face scrunched up in extreme displeasure.

“This tastes disgusting!”

“It tastes like bubblegum. Do you wanna beat Thor or not?”

With a grimace, he set to chewing, his expression souring more and more after every passing second. Barely a minute had passed when he said, “Fine, now teach me how to blow.”

I snickered at the unintended innuendo. “You need to chew it for longer for it to become soft enough.”

After five minutes, he declared, “It is soft. Now what?”

“Now you roll it into a ball.”

After a minute, he said, “What next?”

“Get the ball right behind your front teeth and flatten it on to your tongue.”

“Done. Now?”

“Right, now, part your teeth slightly.” He did, then I added, “Now gently, very gently, poke your tongue through without tearing through the bubble film.”

Naturally, he failed at it. I would’ve been amazed if he’d done it on his very first go. Loki was nothing, if not persistent. He continued for around fifteen minutes, squinting down at his tongue in concentration till he finally got the hang of it. He looked… well, he looked very un-Loki-like, with his tongue sticking out. Maybe I should take a photo while I had the chance.

“Okay, now, you need to blow air into it. Don’t just blow air from your lips – blow it from your lungs. And gently. Now retract your tongue – remember, slowly.”

Still squinting, he slowly pulled his tongue back. My face was barely five inches away from his and I imagined I could see my reflection in the slowly emerging pink bubble. It expanded, then receded, as Loki tried to get used to this new activity, till suddenly, it expanded out of control and with a splat burst on to Loki’s lips.

Loki jerked and made a startled and disgruntled noise and clawed at it frantically. He managed to pluck the mess away from his lips, but instead of putting it back into his mouth like any person with even a tenth of a shred of dignity and decency would, he plastered it on my mouth. 

I screeched and tore it from my mouth and in my panic and disgust, I rubbed it into his hair.

“Urgh! That was _disgusting_!” Loki said darkly. “I cannot believe I actually did that!”

“You are disgusting!” I hollered. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the fuck did you not put it back in your mouth?”

“Because I did not want to have that disgusting cud in my mouth anymore!” he roared back. 

“That doesn’t mean you put it on my mouth, dipshit!”

“You pulled your own out of your mouth and offered it to me!”

“It was a joke, goddamn it! I wasn’t actually going to give it to you, much less actually put it on your face! URGH!” 

He glared at me as he fingered his hair, trying to pry it out.

Uh oh.

He worried at it, trying to pry it out with his nails, but to no avail. The harder he tried, the more hair he managed to tangle into the gum. And the more strands of hair that got clumped up, the more his anger increased until finally, he turned to me, green eyes spitting green fire. 

“What have you done to my hair?” he yelled.

I held out my hands in a placating gesture. “Loki, I –”

“Get this cud out of my hair, mortal! You and your disgusting filth have ruined my day and now my hair! Get it out of my hair or you will know my anger, you cow!”

Something in me snapped. 

“You know what, Loki, I’ve had enough of this. There’s nothing I can do now. There’s nothing that anybody can do. You’ll have to get yourself shorn.”

“ _WHAT?”_

“Yes, _shorn_ ,” I said, slowly standing up and looking down at him with triumphant vengeance. Oh I could’ve told him about the good old ice cube, which would be the most convenient thing for him given that he was a Frost Giant. I could’ve told him to apply a lubricant, or some peanut butter or even good old shampoo. But, I had had it with him. “Go quickly to the barber and maybe you can still save a few strands. Then again, I’d love to see what you’d look like bald.” 

He stood up slowly as well until he was looking down on me, literally and figuratively. “I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.”

I gawked at him. It took me perhaps three minutes to fully understand the implication of what he’d said. Then, I asked, beyond incredulous, “Did you just quote Game of Thrones?” And before he could reply, I added, having finally found my tongue, “God, I can’t wait to see Tony’s reaction! He’s going to put you on this year’s Christmas postcard!”

* * *

 

_One month later._

 

I turned off the alarm and half-shuffled, half-stumbled to the bathroom. I splashed water on to my face and removed the grime from my eyes. Still half-asleep, I reached for the face wash and tried to squeeze some out.

That was when my eyes fell on the mirror.

The face wash fell out of my hands.

I would’ve fallen to the floor too, but I was too shocked to move from where I stood rooted.

Words wouldn’t come out. My heart was racing a hundred miles an armour. Sweat began lining my face. My hands and my entire body started shaking. Anytime soon, I was going to collapse on to the floor.

There was not a single strand of hair on my scalp or the crown of my head.

I had gone bald.

But before I could fall, a message in green ink appeared out of nowhere on my mirror. In an all too familiar, obnoxiously pretentious handwriting, it read: “I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.”

Inhale. 

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale. 

Inh- 

_“LOKIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and feedback are always welcome! <3 Also, don't shoot me if the bubblegum blowing details are wrong, I don't chew gum .-.

**Author's Note:**

> Liked it? Didn't like it? Feedback is welcome ^_^


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